Well hasnât it all gone quiet, with so many of you humans stuffing mainly organic matter in your upper orifice and expelling gases from a lower orifice to compensate (we assume that is how it works, as Zaffodd and I havenât fully inspected one of you, yet!). As this is our first Christmas, Navidad, íŹëŠŹì€ë§ì€, Nollaig, Natale, ăŻăȘăčăăč, èèȘçŻ here on your planet, we have however been observing other aspects of your unusual seasonal behaviour (presumably not to be repeated, ever!) that many of you are now exhibitingâŠ
Xaffodd and I find it extremely odd that so many of you want to bring the outside in, when if you werenât quite so lazy as a species (we generalise!) you could simply go outside and well, enjoy the now inside out. Did I get that right?!
Quite why you bring trees indoors has us rather baffled, however in the spirit of understanding your culture we have decided to do the same. The same with one exception, a significant exception one might say. Where our moderately bent out of shape interstellar pleasure vessel is currently cunningly hidden from prying eyes, while we collect dollers ($$$) to facilitate repairs, there arenât actually any trees. Perhaps the locals of old enjoyed the season rather too much and left no trees outside!
So, Xaffodd has collected our own seasonal display from outside from the meagre options available. Our festive display consists of what we call a Growler, but your Internet thingy suggests Polar Bear may be a more familiar term. The display hasnât entirely been a complete success however, as said Growler has twice come close to ripping off Xaffoddâs merry (human-equivalent) smile together with their entire face not once, but twice!
It certainly presents a little more seasonal jeopardy than your humanâs usual concern of stepping on a fallen Christmas tree pine needle or eating too many mince pies. However we persist and hope in time that our Growler will also come to see the joys of the season before too many of us lose face, so to speak.
Without wanting to give our cunningly chosen location away, I have to admit that we originally chose it because it was marketed as âGreenâ and âlandâ. Two aspects that seemed quite an agreeables combination at first, however on reflection, quite how it came to be called this is beyond us (and our Growler apparently!). I am sorry to disappoint you humans⊠it is simply not green! We do accept however that there is land below all this frozen crystalline water according to our ground penetrating DB Industries Fooglebugâą probes.
We note your incoming US President Trump has shown interest in acquiring this not-so-Green-land, and Xaffodd and I are wondering if he, like us, has been misled by the sales brochure. Xaffodd however has read his âThe Art of the Dealâ book, so suspect shrewd cunningry thoughts may be at work, in trying to buy cheap before in time the not-so-Green-land does in fact become well, Greenland, thanks to your collective climate warming efforts. Very smart, with the obvious caveats, indeed!
Xaffodd and I would however like it to be known that the other possible reason for Trumpâs interest may relate to the abundance of minerals here. We say this now to all humans: HANDS OFF OUR MINERALS!!!
We need these for ship repairs and by Xaffoddâs calculations there wonât be any left once we are done, in fact we will be left with a deficit of minerals⊠currently otherwise know as Iceland. Hmmm, Iceland, is that green? Surely not with a name such as that, however we may look sometime just in case, as all the white here in not-so-Green-land is a little bland after a while.
So President Elect Trump we make this offer. Leave OUR MINERALS ALONE and when Xaffodd and I are done, as a favour we will drag not one, but two âroids from the Kuiper Belt into a geostationary orbit above the White House (is that actually a Green House one wonders!) for your usage in making America greater. They also present a great opportunity for humans to later âvoteâ so to speak should they tire of US âdemocracyâ, as it wouldnât take much to destabilise their orbit and rapidly, bring to a close any future presidency, assuming relevant humans are pottering about the Green House at the time.
Gosh, how we have digressed. It only leaves us time to provide one pearl of our vastly superior wisdom to you humans. We inform you that it is highly inefficient wrapping up your seasonal gifts, only for them to be (un)ceremoniously unwrapped so soon after. Very inefficient it is, however it is good you humans will probably only do this whole festive fad once, as Xaffodd and I are sure it wonât catch on and be repeated, ever!
Our species, admittedly far more intelligent than yours (a humble brag if I may!), long ago learned the joys of âdeconstructed giftsâ. We now simply provide family, friends, loved ones and all too often not-so-loved ones, with the basic atomic elements to create what they choose. That way no one leaves disappointed and our society is far more happy and efficient for it!
It only leaves Xaffodd, Growler and I to wish all humans a jolly, merry, seasonal (if not a little inefficient) good time. We look forward to resuming collecting dollars ($$$) forthwith. Only $18,446,744,073,708,755,161.92 left to collect now!
P.S. Zaffodd will swiftly return to my bad books once the festivities are over!
